Constance Lien: Growing Self-Compassion

My name is Constance. I am 20 this year and I decided that this year would be the year that I put in the effort to discover the true essence of self-love and compassion. Why you may ask? It is because I realized that I never knew how to love myself and I never thought that I mattered. For those who saw me growing up, they knew I wasn’t your typical kid who didn’t give a care in the world. I felt so much growing up. I was an overly sensitive kid who desperately seeks acceptance and love from others. I never understood why I was so dependent on fitting in and being validated by others.

Maybe it was the way I was brought up, maybe it was the environment I grew up in or the experiences I encountered. After all, those are the factors that mold us into the person we are today. Fast forward a few years, I find myself linking my happiness to my achievements. I wanted to achieve great things not because it personally made me feel contented but because it would mean that I was able to again be validated and accepted. You see how detrimental this train of thought is. “If who I am is what I have and what I have is lost, then who am I?”

I’ll let that sink in for a bit …. Okay I shall stop being a Debbie downer and move on to the better part of this “story”.

For a long time, I always thought maybe it was me in sports that was the problem. But that is a huge NO. I have learnt so much more from being an athlete than what school has ever taught me :’). The values and lessons I learnt from being an athlete have allowed me to deal with the obstacles and circumstances that I never thought I would’ve overcome. The issue was that I didn’t know how to love myself and I realized that I wasn’t alone. 

As athletes, there will always be constant expectations and comparisons thrown at us. It is something we can’t run from. But what separates an ordinary athlete from an extraordinary one is how he/she chooses to see and deal with it. Now, this is where self-compassion comes into play. Self-compassion comprises of showing kindness to oneself, the realization of how common it is to have obstacles in life and being mindful towards own emotions and thoughts. I am still struggling with this but I would love to bring you guys along on my journey. I would like to show you all that it is possible to be an extraordinary person/athlete. 

Personally, my biggest obstacle now is myself. I am my biggest critic. I always feel like whatever I do is never enough and that often leads to tons of burnouts. So how do I deal with this?

Every time I catch myself with the “not good enough” thought, I will create a mind map in my head. This helps me to evaluate and become more mindful of my thoughts and find the root cause of why I am feeling a certain way. My mind map often leads back to my childhood trauma so I ask myself a bunch of questions. “Is this thought true? If yes, why? If no, why?, Is this thought harming or helping me better myself? If it is not true and harming me, why am I holding onto it?, isn’t my happiness the most important thing here?”

So, you see a lot of small talk with yourself is required to stay mindful. The second step I do is to realize that I am not alone and that my thought is not uncommon. I look out for role models whom I know have gone through similar obstacles that I have and I use them as my beacon of hope. “If they can get through it, I can too!”.

I choose to believe that we are born and built with so much potential, strength and resilience in us. I choose to act on what I believe in. The last step is showing myself love and care by doing what makes me feel good, what makes me rejuvenated (so it might not be training, it can just be chilling by the pool with your friends or reading a book in your room alone) and what makes me feel loved (eg. Hanging out with the people who value and love me). I personally love having a heart to heart talk with my closest friends because it gives me clarity. 

So ladies and gentlemen, this is how I am learning to use self-compassion to better myself as an athlete and an individual.

There are times and there will be times when I fail but I truly believe as long as I keep trying, I will be able to find true peace and happiness.

One day.